All parents struggle from time to time. Many parents share similar issues. Several common parenting issues are described below with suggestions for handling the challenges of parenting.
1) My child answers every question with "I don't know" or "Whatever." How can I get him to tell me what's on his mind?
Suggestion: Many children and teens struggle to talk about their feelings and avoid conversation. Active Listening is a technique used in our Parenting Wisely program to help parents provide a setting for their children to be more expressive.
Active Listening includes the following:
• Making eye contact with your child as they speak
• Paraphrasing what your child said OR
• Guess at the meaning of what they said OR
• Say what you think they are feeling
Ie: Child: "I hate school!"
Parent: "It sounds like you're pretty upset." (saying what you think she is feeling)
Child: "I hate it! The kids there are stupid! I'm never going back."
Parent: "Something must have happened to make you this upset" (guess at the meaning of what they said)
This can continue until it is appropriate to help your child solve the problem or until they change the subject. Active Listening is an effective tool to help build mutual respect, avoid misunderstandings and teach effective communication skills. It also allows the parent time to process what the child is saying rather than immediately jumping in to problem solving. Children and teens will often come up with solutions of their own, which helps them build confidence and social skills.
*Suggestion provided by counsellor in Special Services to Children Program.
2) I can't get my teenager to understand that curfew is important. She thinks I make up rules to stop her from having fun.
Suggestion: Parents' comfort with "letting go" and teens' demands for independence are often out of sync. The issue is not whether or not there will be conflict, but how it will be dealt with. We believe that family harmony is increased when parents understand the nature of adolescent development and have the skills to support and guide teens through this challenging life stage. The Parent-Teen Conflict Program is helpful for parenting through the teen years.
One strategy utlized in our Parenting Wisely program is the use of "I" Statements. I Statements allow you to take ownership of your own emotions, avoid arguments and power struggles, and can result in better cooperation. An "I" Statement takes the following format:
- Say how you feel about the behavior
- Name the specific behaviour (do not generalize)
- Say what you would like them to do
- Let them know what the consequence will be if the behavior continues
For example:
- I feel frustrated and worried...
- ...when you don't come home in time for curfew.
- I want you to be home at 10:00
- From now on, if you break curfew you will be grounded for the week.
This lets your child know that rules exist for a reason and helps them learn to communicate effectively.
*Suggestion provided by facilitator of Parent-Teen Conflict Program.
3) My teenage son wants to go out with his friends, but can't tell me where he is going, who will be there, and what they will be doing. Should I be suspicious that he is out making trouble?
Suggestion: Many teens cannot answer questions about time with their friends beforehand because they simply do not know. Teens today enjoy "hanging out" with friends where no set plans are made and often find it frustrating when parents do not understand that concept. They often end up sitting around and talking, but do not have set plans about where this will take place or who will be there.
It is still appropriate to ask questions of your child when they leave the house, as it lets your child know you are interested in their activities, but do not be surprised if they do not know the answer. Setting up clear guidelines can help clear up confusion and prevent problems. Letting your child know what you expectations are (I expect you to come home at such-and-such time, etc) can prevent misunderstandings. In the age of cell phones, it is perfectly reasonable to ask your child to call or text you once or twice to check in.
*Suggestion provided by facilitator of Parent-Teen Conflict Program
4) My 3 year old daughter is way too active and I am exhausted chasing her around. Why can't she settle down?
Suggestion: Children are born with their own unique temperament. They may be active or inactive, easily distracted or focused, intense or calm, etc. When these traits conflict with our own traits, we often find ourselves blaming either ourselves or the child. We may label ourselves as incompetent and them as unruly.
There are pros and cons to each trait. Try to reframe your thinking about each trait and see where it has benefits. When your temperament traits do not match those of your child, work with both of your personalities to find a middle ground.
If your 3 year old is running you ragged, plan for some physical activity in short bursts throughout the day. Plan play dates when possible to give yourself a break.
*Suggestion provided by facilitator in Success by Six Program.
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